Friday, December 18, 2009

1 card in poker deck

Love is all you need to get over anything
Where do I get this?
Simply from the ones I care, and some mysterious people I yet to find out too
When I thought life was over, invisible love, care and concern force me out of suicidal
I was naive back then
I couldnt think clearly like now
Now that I can see clearly what does it feels like to be loved and how people show their love without really expressing their love to those they care about
Its true social psychology do play alot in life ( it can even force you out of suicidal thoughts too XD )
But if social stuffs are ignored
Love can be expressed easily
Without any problems
And people will know that they are cared for
And some people do not know how to express their love towards their loved ones
Yea especially me, I really have no idea showing it to people
I wanna show it, but its hard...
I'll take it slowly and understand love slowly
And then I will show it to them
Those I care for =D
Maybe this is the love that my mind has been talking about
Not love for any girl
But for my family and friends
So this is the change in me I have anticipated all along?
I wonder was it because of entering poly or was it because of going to the party that very night?
I guess I will never know

People always asked each other this
Isit great to love or to be loved?
I guess to be loved is much suited for me

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Story of my life part 2

HnA-?
HnB-?
HnC-?
HnD-?
HnE-?
HnF-Hanafi
HnG-?
HnH-?
HnI-Hanafi's Ignorance
HnJ-?
HnK-?
HnL-?
HnM-?
HnN-?
HnO-?
HnP-Hanafi's Pretence
HnQ-?
HnR-?
HnS-Hanafi's Sweetheart
HnT-?
HnU-?
HnV-?
HnW-?
HnX-?
HnY-?
HnZ-?

HnF and HnS meaning might not be true
Thats what my dream told me
It told me to figure others first before I can figure out
What HnF and HnS means
So for now, I guess HnF will be me and HnS will be her

For my own use

So there's people reading my blog
Interesting...

And that person who helped me out
Thanks alot
Seriously surprise me
Surprise me more than I surprise myself XD
Yea, yea I will try do what you say
Take it slowly and try to be myself
And you even figured out I was trying so hard to make people like me that I was so fake
Though it was just another guess
That makes you another person to figure out the HnP
Hanafi's pretence
Cool
I seriously salute you man
Oh ya to find my HnF factor ar
I'll try XD
To even think I might even trust you fully
I can even regard you as my buddy but you dun have to regard me as one
Im just being myself =D

Accept reality and yourself

I am really
Much much much
More open
I seem to care for my 4E6 frens
Yea they mean a lot to me
The stepping stone ahead of depression
They welcomed me when I was feeling down
So thats the love, care and concern that's I have been searching for?
I must have been a very blunt person
Everything so oblivious to me
Even the simplest things can end up so difficult
I guess thats where I change
I should thank them =D
Now its my turn to do my part

Its time to move and stop delusionising things that of the past
It wont change you

Im really glad its over totally
No one can ever tell the feelings I have right now
The best feeling I have yet felt in my life
Again, I thank everyone for it =D
No matter who you are, how close we are, I thank you for being my friend
Something that can never be replaced in my life

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Let it go slowly if you cant do quickly

Laptop
Why am I so desperate to get one?
Its not as if it really mean to me so much
I dunno why
I know I've been waiting for weeks and months
Just to get one
But I've been wondering
Why is it so important to me?
I have no idea...
Its the same feeling as I have towards when I want my first phone
And what happened?
I didnt care what happened to it when its bought months later
So I suppose its the same thing thats gonna happen to my laptop when I got one
Yea, I am still learning and mastering how to control my thoughts and feelings

Lets watch the ending

Lots of things is familiar
I dunno whether Im confused that it is either a dejavu or not
Thinking it is as dejavu but actually it isnt
Or isit just the fact that too much dejavu been acting recently?
Guess another thing for me to explore
Face through it no matter the boundaries and you'll make it through
Come on Hanafi
Or HnF
Nvr ever change back to the old you =D

Late was never part of life

Everytime I watch a drama or anime
I didnt know my brain is subconsiously
Searching for a certain type
And never like any others
Probably my mind is trying to find answers
From this dramas and animes
Searching for their lessons or endings of each episodes
I will probably like something emotional, romantic, idiotic and problematic main character
Why?
Cos it links back to me
I just knew it since I can think clearly
Because thats why I continuously watch the dramas and animes till the end
To find answers and how they end up
So that I can follow their footsteps
And like such lessons to be learnt

Like
"Anyone can be your friend, all you got to do is just put in effort
If giving up was that simple, think about those around you
Even a simple and idiotic person can change the world, so why cant you?
If one remark is gonna let you down, how about a heart that's broken repeatedly?"
The best that I like is about
"If a girl tells you to go away, actually she's lying, she wants the other way round"
When I think of it, it always link back to me
There are others but I cant remember it
This are stuffs that just keep me going on all this years
I hope it will keep me going regardless of the situations

Come to think of it
I became more open with my darkest period in life
I didnt believe I told everything to someone yesterday
Its like, I always thought its never good to share with someone
And that I rather keep the darkest period of my life to myself
Since no one wants to listen
I guess I was wrong
It really cheer me up
Changes me
Making me more appreciative of myself
I love myself much more than I used to
Never did I thought this days could come
The feeling of happiness is finally real =D
And I almost cry letting everything out
Its very weird
That things are turning my way

Am I far from the starting point?
Am I gonna succeed in life?
Im sure the answers is obvious
I suffered early
And found out why I suffer
I guess there was never such a thing call late to figure in life
So long as I figure it out
Wonder what else is in store for me?

"Love has no boundaries, even when separated, love is still there and never gone
No matter how you try to change it
The fact is love can never die
Once it happen, there's no turning back
Its just how you look towards it
If you let it go, you suffer miserably
If you take it in, you suffer and torture yourself
But at least you know you wont be lonely"
Made it out from the drama " Hi my sweetheart"
I wonder how it feels to be in love XD

And best thing for last
" To dump someone, you must be strong to have feeling of being dumped."

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Its suppose to be a diary, but I make it public

Like the title say itself
I dunno why
I want to keep it a secret
But I prefer if people knew
Interesting how life is
I've much appreciated life
Much less emoing
Is like I dun even emo
Its just I want to be alone at times
Thats all
Anyways being alone isnt wrong, psychology proven people need a time of their own each day
I forgot where I got those though

Came across people's blog mugging about their lives, talking about how much they are in love and etc
I guess I dun mind saying my whole life since I have accepted all I had in life
I think im quite lucky compared to people
I face it earlier than most people and now prepared for the worst thing that can ever happen

Maybe I will start with those I had crushes on
Sec 2-4 --> 2 years --> Sabrina
Sec4 --> 10 months if I not wrong --> Tiffany
Early in this year --> 3 months --> Irda
Just about a month ago --> 1-2weeks --> Elle
From what I see, I tend to get over this crushes more quickly
Experience will lead you somewhere I guess
And if any other girls wont mention here, probably they're just something I made up for dunno what reasons or probably just eyecandy which I totally dun care of
This are just the feeling of like
It is nice
But wonder how the feeling of love is like

Hmmmm what else can I say?
My suicidal life?
I slowly distant myself from friends and family
Became such a loner
Since I was freaking bored in life and I dun feel much loved in everyday life
And then slowly lead me to feelings of paranoid
Which at first led me to play dota
But in the end, I really hated life
Really wanted to quit life and get rid of it over with
But in the end, there's where HnS come to play
Dunno why I call her my sweetheart though
I dun even know who's she
But its just a nice term to call her XD
And slowly I got over the thoughts of suicidal
This was what really helped me I think
Looking at those who thought of suicidal at later age

Now I have no idea what else to write
But what I do know is
Everything that happened to me in my life
Is something I will accept and never regretted it happened
If not I wont be who I am right now, right?
Even the slightest thing in life
Even meeting a friend that I never talk to now
It did change me to who I am now
Everything that happens in life will change me
So all I got to do is accept it part of my life
And just get over with
It changes me in all ways
Even making my feelings used to it and immune
And then slowly I gain experienced
And now I am willingly to give myself up to help just anyone
Mostly my frens
So that they wont suffer the same fate as me
But at times
People have to go through the hard ways to understand it
I guess thats where I learn from XD
I hope I can change more for you at least

If a guy meant everything to you, why did you reject him?

This facebook application thing is making me more interested
Especially this group on 90 things girls should know about guys
Interesting how he gathered such stuffs
Maybe it isnt his but who cares im just interested in what he wrote
And to find most of it are really true and apply to me

1. Guys dont actually like sluts as much as they say they do, even though they have sex with them!
(Oh yeah… you're not "popular" if you've slept with loads of guys… you're probably just a HOE)
2. "Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" are two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.
3. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
4. Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.
5. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile, it’s usually more important than the body.
6. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.
7. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.
8. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to; if a guy knows a girl likes him but doesn’t like her… he still wants to be the only guy she talks to.
9. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.
10. Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend, unless it’s negative, then it’s cool.
11. Guys get jealous very easily, even if they don’t show it.
12. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.
13. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!... ugh... nevermind..." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.
14. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like. If a guy seems cool around girls, just see how he acts in front of the girl he really likes.
15. Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway.
16. Girls are guys' weaknesses.
17. Guys are very open about themselves if you just ask.
18. It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long.
19. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.
20. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice unless he asks for it.
21. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. Poking, light pushing, blocking your way and random high 5’s are tell tell signs.
22. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.
23. Guys will brag about anything if you don’t tell them not to.
24. Guys use words like buff or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you, if he uses it to describe other girls, he probably just wants to sound sweet in front of you, and therefore likes you.
25. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.
26. Guys love it when girls wear their clothes (jacket, hat, etc) especially if it’s a girl they like, they will often let them wear it in unreasonable circumstances…like the pouring rain.
27. Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships.
28. Try to be as straightforward as possible, if you like a guy, just tell him, they’ll usually be flattered. If there is something wrong with your relationship, just tell him, if hes a nice guy he’ll do his best to fix the problem.
29. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up.
30. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.
31. No matter how much guys talk about arses and boobs, personality is key.
32. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience, your NEVER going to meet Mr. Darcy.
33. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.
34. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.
35. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.
36. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and talk to me."
37. Guys don't really have final decisions.
38. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.
39. If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you.
40. When a guy looks at you for longer than 3 seconds, he's definitely thinking something.
41. Guys like femininity not feebleness.
42. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.
43. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.
44. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.
45. Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much.
46. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.
47. Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.
48. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.
49. A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.
50. No guy can handle all his problems by his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.
51. Not all guys are dickheads. Just because ONE is doesnt mean he represents ALL of us. Quit assuming.
52. We don't like girls who are too skinny.
53. We love it when girls talk about their boobs.
54. Always make sure you know what kind of stuff you're getting into before making out with a guy...like whether it's a one time deal or not...
55. At below...
56. When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually.
57. When a guy doesn’t touch you flirtily alot, but smiles at you a lot and makes eye contact a lot, its probably because he likes you and feels weird about touching you…but really wants to.
58. Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs.
59. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it... it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts.
60. Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused.
61. If a guy tells you to dump your boyfriend, he's being a twat, if he tells you that there is the possibility of finding someone else (HIM) if you do dump him, he probably likes you and just wants to see you happy.
62. No matter how much they complain (if they do), guys actually like it when girls lean on them.
63. Guys relate everything a lot of things to sex... a joke, a slip of the tongue, a giggle, a yawn, a stretch, whatever...its stupid but true.
64. If you add a guy on myspace or Facebook and you don't know him...chances are he'll assume its because you're attracted to him.
65. If a guy acts like a dick sometimes and doesnt trust you, it might be because he has been badly hurt in the past and is afraid to open up again.
66. Just because a guy isn't holding/kissing you, doesnt mean he doesn't want to, you might just need to initiate it.
67. All guys want to make you happy (unless they're pricks), some just don't know how...so help them out.
68. Most guys just naturally prefer a girl with a bit of curve.
69. Guys are just as self conscious and insecure as girls, ;we also fear rejection, the guy who really likes you is the one who will never dare say so.
70. Boys liked to be talked to. A guy will feel more comfortable around a girl if the girl starts talking to them.
71. The way a girl moves her body can easily be much sexier than anything she says or does.
72. Girls: when you slow down with your boyfriend, make sure you give a damn good reason or we feel like its our fault because we can't comprehend that you really just want to slow down.
73. Every guy has a 'neeky' side of him. Whether it be playin games, watching movies, or playing football, but don't make fun of him if you don't like it, unless it's something you both find funny, otherwise just try and learn to like it. Don't try to change him. If he's constantly ignoring you for that thing, tell him, he'll probably try and do it less.
74. Guys will always check out other girls, even if we make it less obvious when we're around you, it does not mean we're considering leaving you for the girl on the bus. It just comes to us without thinking, so don't freak out when a guy looks at another girl. It's just nature, and we know you were oggling at the cute guy that just walked passed. And hey, guys can have female friends just like girls can have male friends, just because he gets a text from a girl does not mean he is cheating on you. But if this does make things awkward, talk about it.
75. NEVER EVER kick a guy in the balls...seriously. Not even in a fight (play or real) or argument, you can't imagine how much that hurts (don't bring up giving birth because you know it's different). The slightest kick can often have an excruciating delayed reaction...so yeah...just don't do it...please.
76. When a guy is talkin to a girl, his gut instinct is to make her laugh. Whether he is good at this or not, he will try. As a result boys can sometimes appear immature or weird when you first meet them, but they're probably just nervous so give them time and get to know them.
77. At some point a guy will try to play fight with you. There are two reasons for this:
a) Guys like to fight and show you how strong they are.
b) It gives them an excuse to touch you.
78. It is very sexy and appealing for a girl to wear a guy's boxers and shirt. That's all. We don't know why that is, but it just is.
79. Guys dont like girls who don't make an effort. If he travels four hours just to see you for three, appreciate it and don't admit you wouldn't do the same, half the time we wouldn't expect you to anyway!
80. Guys have standards for what type of girl they want to have. Every girl is the perfect girl for somebody.
81. Guys don't like it when girls amplify things. It's very annoying.
82. Even the coolest guys, worry a lot about how they come across, they are probably trying very hard to seem so cool. So don't undermine or mock a guy you like or are friends with, he might not burst into tears but it does not do wonders for his self-esteem. And if you do take the piss, make it fairly clear your joking, it will let the guy know you dont dislike him, you have a sense of humour, and its ok for him to have a come back.
83. If a guy is completely, 100% honest with you about things he's not to sure/proud of, be grateful, because it can be pretty rare.
84. Although we do relate many things to sex, not everything is literally sexual, they like just being close to you too.
85. Guys only like sluts when they're single, as soon as their in a relationship, its just annoying.
86. Guys will always be nervous about giving girls presents they like, no matter how close to or comfortabke they are around the girl. Your opinion is just too important to him.
87. Guys are often terrified of a girl they like too much. The way some girls make you feel makes it impossible for you to function, the same reason a lot of guys persue strictly physical relationships.
88. Guys may not know how to handle a relationship, we admit, we're not the greatest nor the smartest at doing things right. But girls are definitely not any better, so please don't argue with us and make it seem like you know how things are supposed to be and your ways are right. It may seem logical, but frankly, it always isn't.
89. Guys love anything you wear. Really. Don't continuously ask them how you look every time you wear something.
90. THE NUMBER ONE RULE: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

I find this the most interesting
55. Believe it or not shy guys are the easiest to talk to, it may not seem right but trust me they will start opening up like books after you just ask them questions about their lives and unoticabley tell them about yours.
Agree with this...
I also dunno why its true
Its like weird I even tell my whole life to a girl
When she asked me one time XD
But still its cool =D

What's love actually?

I've been thinking about it for a few hours
Why would someone wanna leave me hanging while telling me someone's deep in love with me
And I dun even know about it
That's weird
Who wanna love me sia...
The reaction I ever get from my friends were disgusted
So I expect the same out of everyone else XD
Am I wrong to give that impression?
And last time she did the same thing
Only that was just a crush
But this is love
Who sia
Better still, someone I know...
Arrrr
I dun wanna think about it anymore
Throw this thought away HnF
Phew =D
Speaking of love,
I feel like saying I love you to someone XD

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